No.One

Lets begin with saying that Ra.One is not as big a disaster as it is being made out to be - not because it is making so much money (although it's going to be tough to recover all its costs) and also not because it is a great film. Only that, in a world of Bodyguards and Readys, I am willing to give a substandard movie a chance. The VFX in places are very good, and a couple of scenes even leave an impact. What lets the movie down is ...well...everything else.

I am willing to suspend disbelief and grant cinematic liberties to the makers and ignore a lot of blunders. For instance,

1. Why would anyone make a game where the hero and villain are guaranteed to reach Level 3, no matter what, and the entire game essentially boils down to a single bullet fight, which can also end in a tie if both miss, or both take out their H.A.R.T.s or both just decide to collaborate and put the players in a quandary?
2. If not wearing your H.A.R.T. means the opposition cant defeat you, why would you carry it with you everywhere? Wouldn't treating it like a horcrux be a better way of dealing with the situation?
3. If Ra.One wants to kill Lucifer, why doesnt he do it on one of the innumerable chances he has?
4. If killing the irritating kid is Ra.One's only aim, why does he have to come up with elaborate and ultra-lame conditions for G.One like saving the local train and the people in it?
5. If the player can only play as G.One, why did they even make a Ra.One suit?
6. Why doesnt anyone miss the Chinese scientist Akashi for 2-3 days until the irritating kid goes back to the lab?
7. Why doesnt the gaming company give a tiny rat's ass about the fact that their latest game lab has been totally destroyed on the night of the game launch and their two chief game developers are dead/missing?
8. Why would you put a Tam-brahm in a coffin and then cremate him?
9. How can an android not be detected by metal detectors?
10. Why does Shekhar's Tamil accent come and go as per his whims?


I am willing to disregard all of this and more. Coz its a movie, you are not supposed to think so much. Enjoy what is being shown and have fun. Sure, I am ready to do that. Bring it on!

But...but....where is the fun? Am I supposed to find a kid saying "Condom condom" funny? Is it funny that a game launch party attended by friends and family of the team behind it, is graced by a large number of unwieldy butts? That the developer's wife decides to do away with the remnant of her dress in a party attended by her own 11-year old son so that she can titillate the crowd with her panties playing peek-a-boo? Is it funny that the kid's bday party has a highlight item number by his mom who drops her pallu, coz you know, that's what Indian moms do - they drop their pallus in a family party and dance away, baring massive cleavage? Is it funny that the security guard licks his lips seeing G.One's pierced nipple? Is it funny to grab, kick and generally salivate at the thought of a crotch? Is it funny to videostream a sex-tape of your teacher in class? The simple answer is no!

Coming back to the movie - it is fractured and poorly directed and edited. The dialogues fall flatter than Kangana's chest before she got the boob-job. Yes, I said that, and yes, it is inappropriate but then again, I did not promote my blog for 7 months as a blog for kids and I did not get a U certificate from the censors for the same. That statement is indeed offensive but I never claimed otherwise. So, at least I am not a hypocrite. The acting is horrendous - coming from talented people like SRK and Kareena. And Kareena can be forgiven, coz her role is half-baked and not terribly crucial. But SRK! Why would he make a fool of himself in a movie he has spent 175 crores on! Give me the charming Raj anyday over this pathetic Tamil stereotype character. Arjun Rampal is hardly there. Everyone else is insignificant - even the usually funny Satish Shah. The cameo by Rajnikant is just worthless - what a waste of so much star wattage! The cameos by Sanjay Dutt and PC are funny in parts but marred by horrible gfx and a jackass-like SRK in Veer's costume. The music sucks on screen - Criminal is killed by all that in-your-face booty shaking, while Chammak Challo is murdered by all the cleavage on display.

All said and done, Ra.One is a terrible disappointment - coming from SRK and given the fact he spent 175 crores on it. Its just plain bad - both as a normal movie and as a superhero movie. It has a couple of well done gfx sequences but that's not saying much given the costs. Bad direction, pathetic dialogues and ultimately a very boring movie! Please no sequel, please!

Bawdyguard :|

Mediocre with no redeeming factors. Ready and Dabangg seem like masterpieces in front of this one. And they are not. Time to reinvent self sir.

Dirty deeds

As we turned round a corner, I noticed him. He didnt seem much older than me - maybe 2-3 years. We stopped at the signal and that gave me more time to observe. Dirtyish white shirt, worn out pants, a glint in the eye. But the most striking thing was the piece of paper he held in his hands. Tidily written words on it said "Single dad, jobless for 4 months. FINALLY FOUND A JOB. But first pay-day on 12th August. Need money to feed my child. Anything helps." Something about that sign touched me. He wasnt the first jobless person I was seeing in this part of the world. But something in those words told me he was genuine. Maybe it was the "FINALLY FOUND A JOB" or maybe it was the "Single dad". Instinctively, I reached for my pocket to take out a 20 dollar bill, and then came the hesitation - what if he was a phony, what if he was just another junkie trying to dupe people for another pinch of powder, what if he had no intentions of working and was just trying to use his kid to make money, what if he....The signal turned green, my friend accelerated on the pedal of his swanky BMW and we sped away. The pang of regret that crossed my heart was unbearable. My slight hesitation might have cost a young dad and his little kid tonight's dinner. I hope it did not, but I cant cast the "what if" away. The moment is gone. The guilt continues to stay. 

You live but once!

There are few movies that touch something inside you so deeply, you cant help shed a tear or two. There are fewer that make you do so out of self-realization. The last ones I can recall were Rang De Basanti and Dil Chahta Hai. Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara joins that elite list now.

How flawless can a script be? How perfect can scenes get? How to do spontaneous, everyday comedy without going over-the-top and without resorting to gimmicks? How to ensure all the protagonists in your movie get their fair share of screen space without making it unfair to the story and the audience? How to blend music so well in your movie, it becomes another character by itself? All these questions and more are answered effectively by Zoya Akhtar and gang in ZNMD! After her lovely debut in Luck By Chance, which I loved immensely and have watched at least 6 times btw, Zoya Akhtar has pulled out all stops to give us a delicious masterpiece! ZNMD is one of those rare films where every character is played spot on by actors who have some acclaimed work to their credit from before and yet who have managed to surpass their own benchmarks with effortless performances. The casting is perfect! I read somewhere that initially the movie was supposed to star Ranbir, Imran and Farhan, and am I glad those two refused the film!! Not to say they are bad actors, its too early in their careers to call them good actors just yet.

Coming back to ZNMD, I have never really liked Hrithik Roshan's performances before, except his beautifully nuanced act in Lakshya (directed by none other than Farhan Akhtar. Coincidence?) and his awesome cameo in Luck By Chance (directed by Zoya. Coincidence?). I always felt he went way over the top even when not required and his charm and body carried it off for him on more occasions than one. But in ZNMD, he is just awesome! Underplaying his character to start with and letting the real Arjun come to the fore later, his transformation is wonderfully captured and the scene in which he cries after experiencing a whole new world while getting rid of his fear for water is simply out of this world! Hrithik does a marvelous job and should be a strong contender at award ceremonies next year (which I am sure will neglect him for doing well in a multi-starrer and give it away to SRK for Ra.One or Don2 :| )

Farhan Akhtar is brilliant as Imran. I cant imagine many other actors who could have done this role better. Maybe Aamir Khan, but Farhan Akhtar brings a certain tempered energy and depth to Imran, that is the mark of a mature actor who knows the demand of the script inside-out. No surprises there since he has written the dialogues. His squabble with Arjun is one of the high-points of the trip and the movie.

Abhay Deol - the emerging Rahul Dravid of Indian cinema - underplays his part just right and brings the vulnerable and suave side of Kabir to the fore with such ease, you cant help but admire his thespian skills! Kabir is the glue that holds the group, the trip and the movie together, and although it is a bit of a thankless role with lesser shades than the other two, its made tremendously enjoyable by Abhay.

Katrina Kaif is pitch-perfect in an extended cameo, essentially playing the catalyst in the story. Her scenes with Hrithik are mesmerizing. Kalki Koechlin is a fine actress and does her job wonderfully well! Her lip-syncing to rock chick is hilarious and so real! Ariadna Cabrol, who looks stunning btw, draws the boys and us like a moth to flame. She is just wow! Naseeruddin Shah is dependable as always in a crucial cameo while Deepti Naval is effective too.

Shankar-Ehsaan-Loy give us songs that will stay anthems for a long time to come. Be it the spirited Kab Tak Gine Hum Dhadkanein, or the peppy Suraj ki baahon mein, or the foot-tapping Paint It Red, or the philosophical Der Lagi Lekin, or the beautiful Khaabon Ke Parinday, or the utterly enjoyable and wonderful Senorita, they elevate the movie to a different level altogether with each tune. The Senorita song especially is so well picturised, its as if you are there, sitting in the audience, watching your friends play fool in a public performance! Farhan Akhtar's poetry is deep and meaningful - unlike say, the smart-ass lines said by guide Rehan in that monstrosity called Fanaa. Cinematography by Carlos Catalan is top notch - Spain is on my list of next destinations! Zoya Akhtar and Reema Kagti have written a fabulous script, and Zoya does full justice to it with her flawless direction.

And finally, the philosophy of the movie is what makes it what it is! For how many of us have really been happy, and I mean really happy, from the inside, on getting every paycheck? In a world that teaches us to keep fighting to stay afloat, and by afloat I mean chase a billion after you have reached a million, ZNMD is a whiff of fresh air that tells you to...well go get some fresh air for yourself and your soul. You deserve it because its you who decides what you deserve and what you dont! :)

Guilty pleasures

Update : This post is a submission for the Reel-life Bloggers contest by wogma and reviewgang.

Update : The post won an award in the contest :) You can read more here.

While there are a number of classics that everyone digs, we all have our own guilty pleasures - movies that might not have cut ice with many, but ones you can watch with immense enjoyment even if for the hundred and fifteenth time! Had been contemplating writing about some of my guilty pleasures for a while and now that I have gotten around to it, I have decided to go all the way. Hope you have as much fun reading as I had writing :)

Note : These are not necessarily my all-time favorite movies. These are simply movies that were either heavily panned by critics or majorly rejected by audiences or both and yet ones I watched again...and again...and again! There are (much) better movies out there and definitely ones that I enjoy more! So, presenting, in no particular order....

1. Main Hoon Naa

Classic masala movie! Absolutely loved the references to and digs at old and new movies alike! Farah Khan cooked up a snazzy story of long-lost half-brothers, appropriately called Ram and Laxman, with a Raa(gha)van lurking around trying to stop an Indo-Pak friendship gesture for personal vendetta! A remarkably spoofy script, deliberate corny dialogues, foot-tapping tunes by Anu Malik and a lovable larger-than-life turn by SRK made it one of those (quite a) few movies that I have seen multiple times on the 70 mm screen! The movie did pretty well at the box office but was somehow not loved as much as it deserved to be!

Forgot to mention how much I L-O-V-E Suneil "hamming" Shetty in this one! "May-jjja.....I thot u were the vary bast" :D Oooh, gotta go watch that scene again :D Meanwhile, I'll leave you with one of the best qawwalis of recent times! :)

2. Judwaa

One of the most senseless comedies ever, made not just bearable but stupendously enjoyable, largely because of the charisma of the oh-so-charming Salman Khan! (He looked sweet back then, in the non-beefed up look, doing his stuff like only he can...also back then, it hadnt gotten that repetitive and irritating! :D). The comedy was situational and could have been pretty banal, but for the way Salman and Karishma delivered the most ludicrous lines, making them seem inherently funny! Also, who can forget the bickering inspector-constable duo played by Anupam Kher and Satish Shah! Sparkling stuff! Anu Malik came up with a truly wacky score that still gives me goosebumps every time I hear lines like "Tu meri hai Pepsi-Cola, main tera hoon Coca-Cola" and "Oonchi hai bulding, lift teri band hai" - truly classic! :D

Lotsa memories associated with this movie! Had performed in school gathering on "India Is The Best" :) Check out one of many funny scenes from this howler. (Part upto 3:30 is trite, after is awesomeness!)

3. RHTDM

Hands down the best first 15 mins(part1 and part2) of any movie ever made! Such style, such conflict, near-perfect portrayal of Engineering college campus rivalry and above all, uber-cool Maddy! Rest of the movie is pretty good too altho the climax is tepid. Maddy's love story is ultra-sweet. Music by Harris Jayraj is simply awesome. The lovely Diya Mirza, crack-up-till-you-pee dialogues, an ultra-cocky Hirjee and ultra-sweet Maddy - this ones truly a guilty pleasure. The movie flopped big time on release but has gained a cult following ever since.





4. Salaam-e-Ishq

Heavily panned by critics and rejected by most, and yet I love this movie. Its lengthy yes, and tends to drag after the 2-hour mark, but all the stories are so beautiful, I was willing to sit through it, thrice! I especially enjoy the Govinda-Shannon story and Akshay-Ayesha one. John-Vidya story is probably the best and the most crucial, and it succeeds in making an impact except for the ridiculous Pakistan market scene broadcast live! That's a major WTF moment, but considering its a 3.5 hr long film, its a minor abberation. Salman-Priyanka story had the most potential, being a spoof on the industry and media but somehow fizzles out due to a lukewarm follow-up after a rollicking start. Anil-Juhi-Anjana story is good although a tad too long, while the Sohail-Isha track is howlarious! SEL's music is rocking and some stellar performances carry the movie through to the campy climax which ties all ends together remarkably well, while just managing to not go over-the-top! Nikhil Advani made a noteworthy follow-up to Kal Ho Naa Ho, altho he ripped off a lil bit of Love Actually! But he also managed to make a good film, actually! :D

5. Welcome

This one's Nana Patekar all the way! Uday Shetty sets straight everythng else that's wrong with this film, from Akshay Kumar's pathetic role to some of the hideously tapori dialogues to cringe-worthy romantic scenes, with his spontaneous comedy, delivered in a manner only he can! Anil Kapoor plays a great supporting role and altho he did splendidly in No Entry, here he has to play second fiddle to Nana who is in his element after a long time! Mallika Sherawat delights in a sprightly cameo! Despite the crappy finale, the movie stands on its own due to stellar performances by Nana and Anil!


6. Jaan-e-Mann

This is probably the best and most innovative college campus story told in Bollywood (Sorry team Kuch Kuch Hota Hai!) Shirish Kunder makes a rocking debut as director and gives us this Broadway-esque saga of love and friendship. Supreme performances by (surprise, surprise!) Salman Khan and Akshay Kumar and wonderful melodies by Anu Malik along with the unique story telling style make this a memorable movie! I still cant get why the movie didnt make enough money! It was released during Diwali, most of the ppl who watched it liked it, critics praised it for the new story-telling techniques used and yet the movie ended up an average grosser! :| The competition from Don probably killed its prospects big time! Beautiful movie nevertheless! One of my favorite Salman movies :)

7. Kal Ho Naa Ho

A straight-faced guide to living your life to the fullest no matter what! Kal Ho Naa Ho is probably my favorite SRK movie - I loved him in those tending to larger-than-life and yet human roles. Kal Ho Naa Ho is a true gem, and I have had endless debates with friends about this. What draws me to it every single time I watch it, is the spontaneous and intelligent humor, which doesnt wait for the audience to laugh along but moves on at a brisk pace, and the subtle, underlying message of living your life to the fullest without complaining about what's missing, indeed making the most of what you have. Saif and Preity turned in one of their career-best performances for this one. And although the ending is labored, the impact isnt diluted one bit, at least for me. I am so glad Karan Johar let Nikhil Advani direct this one!

8. Love Aaj Kal

A true ode to love, as seen by our generation and the one before ours. Love Aaj Kal was somehow disliked by many, inspite of making truckloads of money, mostly because people found it fake and pretentious...and boring. And somehow, I found it honest, relatable and very touching! A good example of  "to each his own" I guess :) What worked most for me in Love Aaj Kal was the fact that it captures the thoughts of today's youth very well - couples do break up because they dont believe in making long-distance work, couples do try to ensure smooth, hassle-free break-ups and couples do continue to be in love after break-ups if the reason for break-up in the first place was frivolous. Of course, there are tons of examples that point otherwise. The music by Pritam is super, Saif turns in a spirited performance in a smart double role, ably supported by the delightful Rishi Kapoor, and contrary to popular belief, Deepika does her job decently as well, seeming spontaneous and confused, just as the character demanded. The comparison between love of yore and love today is fabulous and the dialogue between the older Veer and younger Jai is superbly written and delivered. One film I can always turn to when I need to wake up the practical romantic in me :)

9. Ek Chaalis Ki Last Local

This one's a riot all the way - superfast, superzany and choc-a-bloc with unconventional comic moments and enough twists to put Race to shame! Abhay Deol is dependable as always in the role of Nilya. Multiple bits and parts players do brilliant jobs - most notably the actors in the roles of Mak, Inspector, hawaldar Tawde and the newly inducted, Rajni-fan constable. Snehal Dabi and Deepak Shirke turn in hilarious extended cameos, while the cleavage-toting Neha Dhupia does surprisingly well too! The movie is a start-to-end caper and, aside from the blatant rip-off scene from Pulp Fiction, everything works perfectly. Sadly, the movie did not do well when released, prime reasons being it wasnt marketed enough and, well, sadly, not everyone makes a beeline at the theater to watch an Abhay Deol starrer.

10. Dus Kahaniyaan

One of the better anthology films made in Bollywood, Dus Kahaniyaan has a few very well made stories along with some mediocre ones and a couple boring/ridiculous ones. The best of the lot are undoubtedly Gubbare starring Nana Patekar - simple, touching and non self-indulgent - and Zahir starring Manoj Vajpayee and Dia Mirza - dark, visceral and ending with a poetic justice. Pooranmasi starring Amrita Singh and Minisha Lamba is really good too. Rice Plate, enacted by stalwarts Naseeruddin Shah and Shabana Azmi, is interesting, but also a blatant rip-off of an American short film. Matrimony starring Mandira Bedi and Arbaaz Khan is very Jeffrey Archer-ish - short, meaty and with a shocking end. High on the Highway starring Jimmy Shergill and Masumi Makhija talks about the self-indulgence of youth but ends up being too self-indulgent in the way it is presented. Neha Dhupia and Mahesh Manjrekar's Stranger in the Dark starts out as an interesting concept but ends up being a damp squib because of the manipulative end. Sanjay Dutt and Suneil Shetty's grand finale Rise and Fall is a predictable story shot with style and although it doesnt work completely, its not too bad either. Aftab and Anupam Kher's corny and boring Lovedale and Dino Morea's trying-too-hard-to-be-cool-and-hot Sex on the Beach vie for the bottom honors and while Sex on the Beach at least has a hot chick in skimpy clothes throughout, which is scant respite btw, Lovedale fails to engage at all.

Like I said, not all of them work, but the ones that work, work really well. Ultimately, its like reading one of Archer's short stories compilation - you like some, you ignore some. The movie works pretty well in terms of style and content and should have made more money than it did.

11. Socha Na Tha

Its fitting to end the list with Socha Na Tha, Imtiaz Ali's delicious debut about innocent love and arranged marriages. Abhay Deol and Ayesha Takia manage to take your breath away with lovable performances and everyone else chips in to make Socha Na Tha a believable, relatable tale of confused marriageable minds and how things unfurl with time and situation. Ably supported by some lilting music, which includes Socha Na Tha and O Yaara Rab, and some simple dialogues, this one's an absolute delight for true romantics at heart and one of the best movies to come out of Bollywood in the rom-com genre.

There are lot of movies that I enjoy more and tend to watch multiple times but then so do many others and discussing those movies would have been pretty moot. To give an example, I really doubt readers would be interested in me raving about Andaz Apna Apna or Dil Chahta Hai or Rang De Basanti or even Jab We Met, coz they are justified classics and there's no dearth of good stuff on these movies. Like I mentioned before, these are not mere pleasures, these are guilty pleasures - movies I know are flawed in some way or the other, and yet, movies I cant resist enjoying. You know, like that 1600 calorie slice of cheesecake, that you know will reduce your life by a couple of days right away, but one you cant resist letting melt away in the mouth. :)

Koi bhi desh perfect nahi hota...

Note  :  The concept of this post was in my mind for 3 weeks, exactly the amount of time I have been in India in this trip, but this brilliant article finally triggered off the actual post.

As I stood in line for the security check at the Mumbai domestic airport, being relentlessly jostled by fellow passengers, each of who, for some reason, seemed to be in more of a hurry than the other, I couldnt help but wonder how people who could afford to buy Rs. 10000 airplane tickets managed to be so uncouth and uncultured when it came to social behavior. And then it occurred to me - I was being such a fool! I have lived in India for 23 years of my life and after only 2 years in the US, I was expecting everyone here in India to act all prim and proper, like the cultured Westerners! Wait! Did I just call the West cultured? Those beer-guzzling, porn-watching, trigger-happy yappies painted as villains and everything that's wrong with the world in Indian media? Well, yes! Coz culture in this context doesnt mean not looking your wife-to-be in the eye in front of your and her parents (when secretly you are trying to picture her in various...err...."fun" costumes) . It means respecting the fact that other individuals are human beings too!

Now before people launch an attack on me and say I have become American, an NRI, no longer fit to be called Indian etc, let me clarify. Yes, we Indians are some of the most genuinely helpful people in the world. Yes, we will ensure a stranger knows exactly how to find his/her way to a new address if they ask us. Yes, we will in general be very nice to our guests and make sure they are comfortable and happy. Yes, we will do all it takes to maintain our relations in the best way possible. But yes, we are also the same people who will never obey a line! Yes, we will try to find loopholes in everything, from tax returns to real estate laws to traffic rules, and exploit them to the maximum. Yes, we will lech and daydream and yet never admit to it. Yes, we will also guzzle beer, watch porn and secretly harbor a wish to possess a firearm just for the sake of feeling macho, and again, in true macho style, never admit to it! Not everyone falls into all of these categories, but most of us fall into at least one of these. And its not all our fault. Lets face it - life in India is a struggle. You have to fight for every little thing that forms part of your day - from the line in the milk store to the line for the bus to finding your way among hundreds of speeding vehicles while trying to cross the road to haggling with the landlord while paying your rent to arguing with the MacDonalds cashier over getting the exact change in return. There are surely many more instances where we have to make a genuine effort just to stay afloat. And its not always about the money - more often than not, its about the feeling it gives you. You dont want to admit defeat and pay 20 bucks extra to the rickshawala because that would mean feeling like a loser for the rest of the week every time you see a rickshaw. Its all in the mind and its all a struggle -  all the way.

So, when faced by a demanding situation, like the one I faced at the domestic airport in Mumbai, the natural instinct is to fight and ensure you arent late for your flight, even if take-off is a good 3 hrs away. The stark contrast between the international terminal and the domestic one hit me like a ton of bricks that day. The same Indians who were acting all sophisticated at the international terminal - progressing patiently in the lines, not making loud noises, not trying to tackle the old lady in front of them, not ogling at the hot lady in the low-cut dress - those same people had now become a totally different social organism - pushing at least 3 people simultaneously to ensure their security check happens before everyone around them, elbowing the guy in front to put their bags through the scanner before his, staring deep down the cleavage of a lady who dared to wear that bold an attire to an airport, redefining what a single file means by ensuring there are at least 6 people contesting for every spot in the "single file"! The competition to survive gets to us as soon as we are in an Indian scenario. And what's worse, some of us feel proud of it! We are proud of the fact that we have enough fight to survive in a line for the Mumbai local or in a bid to find a parking spot, even if it is by cutting across someone who came before us.

I loved the "holding the door open for the person after you" example in the article, because it happens to me all the time everytime I visit India! I find myself holding the door open for the people after me and they move out without so much as a cursory glance, and worse still, dont bother holding the door for the person after them! On one occasion, my dad had to chide me to let the door go after around 10 people had walked out without bothering! And this is not about some difficult-to-understand culture, these are simple etiquette, that we Indians surprisingly lack, the moment we find ourselves in an area with majority Indians. I have seen it happen at the Bangalore bus station, I have seen it happen at the Mumbai airport and I have seen it happen at the AMC parking in Santa Clara! Our Indianness comes to the fore right away, coz you know, its survival of the fittest. Sadly, we forget that the "fittest" arent always the happiest.

To wrap up, yes, the Western culture is fake at times, yes a lot of people dont mean to know how your day has been when they ask you "How's it going?", yes they have their issues with family, but yes, they also know how to behave in public, yes they also know why cutting across you in traffic is unfair and yes they know even if they are seventh in the line, its only a matter of minutes before its their turn and jostling will only make things worse and unpleasant for everyone. We Indians are some of the most compassionate people in the world. Unfortunately, we are also probably the most ill-mannered lot. And this can change, but it will take a long time and until the seething anger for disorder, corruption and other man-made issues doesnt abate, its not going to be a reality. The start, as always, should be from ourselves. Ghar ki safai mein haath gande karne ka time aa gaya hai.

Chilled out Disco, Prude wale Khisko

Delhi Belly! What a ridiculously funny and thoroughly enjoyable movie! Another feather in the cap of AK Productions! Its difficult to make a movie of the genre that boasts of classics like Pulp Fiction, Lock,Stock and Two Smoking Barrels and Snatch. After all, trying to emulate Guy Ritchie and Quentin Tarantino is not a mean task! There's every chance of falling flat on your face. But director Abhinay Deo and writer Akshat Verma perform a fine job of not only sketching a loony story but also fleshing it out on screen with aplomb! Delhi Belly is pathbreaking for Hindi cinema for rarely have you heard such irreverent dialogue delivered so nonchalantly by mainstream actors in a supposedly indie film produced by a leading production house and released in all major centres across India and the world.

Technically, the movie is fine with some razor-sharp editing, stupendous background score, great art direction and a deadly mix of subtle as well as in-your-face dialogue which basically elevates the movie several notches above regular comedies dished out by Bollywood. The music by Ram Sampath is creative and top-notch to say the least with almost all tracks including D K Bose, Jaa Chudail, Switty, Nakkadwaley Disco and the egregiously named I Hate You (Like I Love You) scoring on the ears as well as the eyes. Direction is spot on and although the movie starts off slow, it picks up pace pretty soon and doesnt slow down till the very end.

Of the cast, almost everyone does a near-perfect job. Imran Khan is excellent in the main protagonist's role. Vir Das is brilliant as the poker-faced sidekick while Kunal Roy Kapoor gets a crucial role which he plays with a lot of character. Aamir Khan was interested in playing this role when he read the script and although its a pity he couldnt, since it would have taken a lot of time to put on weight for the film, Kunal makes sure that doesnt have any negative impact. Poorna Jagannathan is hawt in an unconventional female lead while Shenaz is competent. The real scene-stealer though is Vijay Raaz with his wonderfully nuanced and understated act. There are plenty of actors who perform bit roles and have their 15 seconds of fame on screen viz. the "loondry" guy and the pervert landlord. Aamir Khan makes a "Look-I-made-an-insane-movie-and-still-made-you-enjoy-it" appearance in the end in the delightfully choreographed number with the zazzy Anusha Dandekar, which is like a tight slap in the face for the audience - a gift from AK Productions to you - which hurts and still feels good!

Delhi Belly is a fun, well-made movie, and while it may not be the best we have seen this year - Dhobi Ghaat, 7 Khoon Maaf and Yeh Saali Zindagi were probably better products - it is for sure something new and immensely enjoyable. As long as you dont shy away from a few expletives and some toilet humor, go get your dose of gross!

Ready?

So, the promos made no bones about this one being a typical, masala entertainer fueled by the audience's new-found love for Sallu. But after watching Ready yesterday, I must say I expected the makers to make an effort to exploit Sallu more! The fact that there is a story, silly as it may be, and there are a host of actors who actually get to say funny lines and play a part in the proceedings, came as a pleasant surprise! Lets not get carried away though, for Ready is hardly great, or for that matter even good, cinema. Its not even old wine in a new bottle - more like old wine in an old bottle with a new shining label and elevated brand value.

It would be blasphemy to review the movie since that would mean putting a lot more thought into the review than the makers put in its making, but I am willing to make the effort, even if only for Sallu. I loved the fact that dependable actors like Mahesh Manjrekar, Manoj Joshi, Paresh Rawal and Manoj Pahwa get to play reasonably significant roles and they do pretty well. Most of the rest of the cast is okayish - special metion must be made of the bike riding maid though :D There are plenty of funny gags altho a couple of pathetic scenes stand out like a sore thumb. Like that one involving a kid and pee and a skeleton suit. Not sure who the target audience was for that one! The direction is ho-hum - anyone who knows something about movie making could have directed it. The dialogues are not very funny but the actors put enough conviction in them to make us laugh. The cinematography is nothing we havent seen before, and the editing could have been sharper.

Ultimately what saves Ready is the spate of in-jokes and comic timing of most actors! Sallu's self-digs at Hum Aapke Hain Kaun, Prem, his colossal flops Yuvvraaj and Veer, the hit-and-run case and more are quite amusing and make you laugh, even if for their sheer silliness, or at times, the honesty with which Sallu owns up to all accusations made against him. Sample the scene in which he takes his shirt off after his uncle says "Prem, shirt utaarne ka isse acha mauka nahin milega" after the goon's shirt tears, and how it all turns out to be a figment of Asin's imagination, meaning she wants to get a look at the hunk herself :D Also, the way Sallu asks later "Mazaa aaya?" ; its hard to imagine any other actor who can pull this off while being self-critical and brash at the same time. Few such moments aside however, Sallu looks disinterested in the proceedings. Hopefully, Bodyguard will be a welcome change from his bored-looking roles (I have read the story and it has a lot of potential if made well). Asin looks horrible - I was constantly chiding her to go wash her face throughout the movie. Not sure what went wrong with her make-up, coz she's quite pretty otherwise. The music is a mixed-bag. The romantic Humko Pyaar Hua is a yaaaawn and the shaadi song is an exercise in showcasing Sallu's moves. Dhinka Chika and Character Dheela however are superb in terms of picturization and I definitely got my money's worth with those two music videos. The cameos by a horde of actors are fun to watch too!

Ultimately, Ready is a fun, family film that does nothing new and yet ensures you enjoy. I must admit I alternated between being non-plussed and amused, but the rest of the jam-packed theatre was enjoying every bit of the movie. Its all luck - had this movie released 3 yrs earlier, nobody would have seen it. Post-Dabangg, everyone wants a slice of Sallu entertainment. One one hand, its sad Ready will make more money than a lot of Sallu's much better and under-appreciated movies like Jaan-e-Mann and Salaam-e-Ishq, on the other hand, it was fun to watch an entertaining Hindi movie in theaters after so long!

P.S. : Does it seem like I was disinterested when writing this review? Well, can you blame me? :)

Dump Maaro Dump

Watching Dum Maaro Dum is actually like taking a dump, coz you know "Oonche se ooncha banda, potty pe baithe nanga"(@0:39). Wow! Did I repel you with that first line? Then imagine how the viewers must have felt when this line was repeated 4 times in a hideous non-item song, 1.5 hours into a movie that started with so much promise and by then, had clearly lost its way. But I am getting ahead of myself here, for such movies should be reviewed with relish. So, lets start from the beginning!

DMD starts off as a cool,stylish feature with lots of promise. The first hour, although a little too episodic, is well-paced and manages to hold your interest. And Abhishek's entry heightens the expectations with the proverbial twist in the plot that makes you go "Alright! Now on to the real story!" And that is the last time you can say the words story and DMD in the same line. For the director chooses to show Abhishek, an ACP, rapping on the streets of Goa, while he cleans up the place. And not just rapping mind you, lip-syncing to the rap. Lame would be an understatement. Nevertheless, the movie doesnt nosedive right away, it continues to hold promise, but another 20 minutes later, it is clear that this is going to be a long ride with an utterly unsatisfactory end, coz there is no way they can tie up those loose threads with any credibility whatsoever, especially with the set of writers they have got. What follows is utter boredom, reel after reel showcasing basically nothing. No doubt it takes a lot of talent to show nothing with so much at your disposal, and that is in fact an art, its just not what I paid 12 bucks for! The Dump song is the nadir and the movie can only rise afterwards, which it does. Only it takes awfully long to do that, and by then, you are desperate to get out of the theatre, coz there's only so much of "Baki sabke liye Google hai" (@2:25) that you can take sanely.

Of the cast, Prateik Babbar is a sheer embarrassment, with his whiney, juvenile portrayal of a, well, juvenile! Bipasha Basu is non-existant. (Note to producers : A bikini scene would have enhanced her presence in the movie considerably! Since you anyways decided to give her a weak role, a few more bucks spent on a fancy bikini doesnt seem like such a bad idea now does it?) Rana Who-ggabati is wooden and his dubbing artist is a douchebag. Aditya Pancholi takes hamming and growling to new pathetic levels. Govind Namdeo doesnt. And yes, he hams too! Deepika Padukone's rib-cage is a total turn-off. And my dear AB baby is surprisingly better than most of his other roles. But that's not saying much for someone who has "Dus Ass Wale" Raavan and "Tha Tha Tha" ACP Jay Dixit to his credit. And what's with the incessant referencing to daddy dearest's movies?? Get a life son, and get your own identity. I know a lost cause when I see one and yet I am saying this out of sheer respect for your dad, or what he once was. STAND.UP.ON.YOUR.OWN.FEET.

Technically, the film is superior but when the script is boring, there's little technique can do. Nevertheless, kudos to the team for getting something right. Ultimately, DMD is not even like taking a dump, coz that activity is actually satisfying. Its more like suffering from a severe constipation after eating something that tasted good but left a bad after-taste.

Why?

Why does the hottest girl in class, who almost never sits next to you for lectures (because there is always a rare exception to the law of averages ), have to come and sit next to you right on the day of your mid-term? And why does she have to look hotter than usual on that day? And why does she have to forget her watch and ask you "How long before the exam begins?"? And why does she have to start chattering nervously about how she couldnt sleep the last night because there was so much to read? And why does she have to be all "Oh! This is sooooo time-consuming! How are we gonna get this done in 70 minutes??" in her cute voice during the exam that only you can hear because you are sitting next to her? And why does she have to forget her calculator and ask if she can borrow yours? And why does she have to bump your elbow with hers just when you are doing an ultra-tricky calculation? And why does she have to giggle when the professor makes a joke about there being only 5 more minutes left? And why does she have to ask you after, how you did in the exam? And why does she have to get a call and leave just before you could ask her name?

So many questions....no answers...none at all.