Jab Tak Thi Jaan

Jab Tak Hain Jaan is a story of some of the most stupid characters you have seen till date. Check this out -

A Punjabi NRI girl who bargains with Sir Jesus for every damn thing in life, ultimately bargaining for the life of someone she apparently loves immensely (while engaged to someone else, but we'll forgive her for that) in return for not loving him again ever (or as it seemed from later parts, not to sleep with him, coz you know, that's what true love is all about - sex). Dont even get me started on the lack of bottoms in her wardrobe - apparently someone told her women dont need to wear anything below the upper thighs, for that part is made of pure plastic. Incidentally, that is the same material as her face.

A wannabe, yuppie modern 21 year old missy, who makes out and breaks up with guys at will and considers that one of the achievements to list on her resume along with being a topper in every subject, being a champ at every sport, not to mention a National Level swimmer and deep-sea diver who doesnt realize the water in Ladakh lakes is cold before she dives into one for a bet as measly as her budget for clothes and almost drowns in it before being rescued by a brooding armyman who waits till she chokes under the water before pulling her out. Some National swimmer she is!

And finally, we have the hero of the movie, the kind of guy you feel bad for because he is saddled with dumb and dumber as the choices for his mate in bed. Why am I being crass, you ask? Coz that's what he wants most of the time - to do the dirty. Dont blame him though, for the plastic looks really good and National champ has a penchant for chaddis shorter than a purse and tops that will make a tank-top look like a burkha. Any man who can remember what that means will fall for that.

Which brings us to the worst enemy of the movie - the plot. The plot is so skimpy, it competes with Katrina's skirt and Anushka's IQ for brevity. Its something even Sherlyn Chopra would be wary of wearing. Or maybe not. The story is ridiculous to say the least and borrows liberally from children's stories - for instance that part about keeping your promise with God. It also makes a mockery of the Indian Army and the noble profession of bomb diffusion. The innumerable plotholes are not even worth getting into. The music looks bad on-screen, the hammy cameos by Rishi Kapoor and Neetu Singh are embarassing and saddled with unbelievable logic. The background score is remarkable and keeps you awake through the 3.5 hrs. The cinematography is breathtaking and gives the film a fresh and majestic look - something the film is quick to counter through trite dialogue and cring-worthy scenes. Katrina is a mix of John Abraham and Neil Nitin Mukesh. Anushka is a mix of Preity Zinta on coke and Zayed Khan not on coke. SRK is okay as the 25 year old Londoner (although he cant pull it off that well anymore due to age) and really good as the armyman. It was good to see him not resort to buffoonery after years! Sadly, he is screwed over by a terribly written film. The saving grace is the last song showing Yashji directing the movie. It is a delight to watch. Unfortunate that he didnt sign-off his directorial career with the evergreen and entertaining Dil To Pagal Hai. Jab Tak Hain Jaan takes whatever life was left in viewers after watching ignominies like Ra.One, Mausam and Bol Bacchan and dunks it into the freezing Leh waters. And there's no brooding armyman waiting to resuscitate you back to life.

No.One

Lets begin with saying that Ra.One is not as big a disaster as it is being made out to be - not because it is making so much money (although it's going to be tough to recover all its costs) and also not because it is a great film. Only that, in a world of Bodyguards and Readys, I am willing to give a substandard movie a chance. The VFX in places are very good, and a couple of scenes even leave an impact. What lets the movie down is ...well...everything else.

I am willing to suspend disbelief and grant cinematic liberties to the makers and ignore a lot of blunders. For instance,

1. Why would anyone make a game where the hero and villain are guaranteed to reach Level 3, no matter what, and the entire game essentially boils down to a single bullet fight, which can also end in a tie if both miss, or both take out their H.A.R.T.s or both just decide to collaborate and put the players in a quandary?
2. If not wearing your H.A.R.T. means the opposition cant defeat you, why would you carry it with you everywhere? Wouldn't treating it like a horcrux be a better way of dealing with the situation?
3. If Ra.One wants to kill Lucifer, why doesnt he do it on one of the innumerable chances he has?
4. If killing the irritating kid is Ra.One's only aim, why does he have to come up with elaborate and ultra-lame conditions for G.One like saving the local train and the people in it?
5. If the player can only play as G.One, why did they even make a Ra.One suit?
6. Why doesnt anyone miss the Chinese scientist Akashi for 2-3 days until the irritating kid goes back to the lab?
7. Why doesnt the gaming company give a tiny rat's ass about the fact that their latest game lab has been totally destroyed on the night of the game launch and their two chief game developers are dead/missing?
8. Why would you put a Tam-brahm in a coffin and then cremate him?
9. How can an android not be detected by metal detectors?
10. Why does Shekhar's Tamil accent come and go as per his whims?


I am willing to disregard all of this and more. Coz its a movie, you are not supposed to think so much. Enjoy what is being shown and have fun. Sure, I am ready to do that. Bring it on!

But...but....where is the fun? Am I supposed to find a kid saying "Condom condom" funny? Is it funny that a game launch party attended by friends and family of the team behind it, is graced by a large number of unwieldy butts? That the developer's wife decides to do away with the remnant of her dress in a party attended by her own 11-year old son so that she can titillate the crowd with her panties playing peek-a-boo? Is it funny that the kid's bday party has a highlight item number by his mom who drops her pallu, coz you know, that's what Indian moms do - they drop their pallus in a family party and dance away, baring massive cleavage? Is it funny that the security guard licks his lips seeing G.One's pierced nipple? Is it funny to grab, kick and generally salivate at the thought of a crotch? Is it funny to videostream a sex-tape of your teacher in class? The simple answer is no!

Coming back to the movie - it is fractured and poorly directed and edited. The dialogues fall flatter than Kangana's chest before she got the boob-job. Yes, I said that, and yes, it is inappropriate but then again, I did not promote my blog for 7 months as a blog for kids and I did not get a U certificate from the censors for the same. That statement is indeed offensive but I never claimed otherwise. So, at least I am not a hypocrite. The acting is horrendous - coming from talented people like SRK and Kareena. And Kareena can be forgiven, coz her role is half-baked and not terribly crucial. But SRK! Why would he make a fool of himself in a movie he has spent 175 crores on! Give me the charming Raj anyday over this pathetic Tamil stereotype character. Arjun Rampal is hardly there. Everyone else is insignificant - even the usually funny Satish Shah. The cameo by Rajnikant is just worthless - what a waste of so much star wattage! The cameos by Sanjay Dutt and PC are funny in parts but marred by horrible gfx and a jackass-like SRK in Veer's costume. The music sucks on screen - Criminal is killed by all that in-your-face booty shaking, while Chammak Challo is murdered by all the cleavage on display.

All said and done, Ra.One is a terrible disappointment - coming from SRK and given the fact he spent 175 crores on it. Its just plain bad - both as a normal movie and as a superhero movie. It has a couple of well done gfx sequences but that's not saying much given the costs. Bad direction, pathetic dialogues and ultimately a very boring movie! Please no sequel, please!

Filmfcuk awards

[rant]Alrit, this is gonna be a rant, if the tag wasnt clear enough. That Filmfare Awards are a big joke is no secret, it has been that way for years. In fact, they make this extra effort each year to ensure that everyone who attends returns home happily with a smile on their face and the black lady in their grasp, deserving or undeserving. Then why am I spending so much time talking about these awards if they are so obviously shitty?? The reason is in the last couple of years, it so appeared that the world of Bollywood was changing, people had begun to take note of good movies and real talent and had even started acknowledging them. This was definitely a step in the right direction. I mean any jury that has previously recognized screenplays of movies like Pardes and Kaho Na Pyaar Hai as best screenplays of that year had definitely grown up to acknowledge that Life In A Metro had a better script than Chak De India or Mumbai Meri Jaan was much better written than Fashion or Race! It seemed the jury finally had some sensible people in the team who could understand what the words story or screenplay mean and hence could judge better. But then, looks like the sanity reserved for the finer awards like story, screenplay, background score and cinematography, to name a few, is conveniently dumped when it comes to the popular awards - the ones that create the biggest buzz in the media, and in a sense the ones that matter the most - Best Film, Best Director, Best Actor and Best Actress. And this is precisely where Filmfare continues to be Filmunfair. 

Sample this : In the last 15 times out of 20, and in the last 9 times out of 10, the Best Actor trophy has gone to either Big B, SRK or Hrithik! One might argue they are brilliant and consistently come up with great performances, but before we jump the gun, lets take a look at which movies they got these trophies for and who did they "defeat" in the process.

Year 1998 : SRK won the trophy for Dil To Pagal Hai, a movie I love immensely btw, beating Anil Kapoor (Virasat) and Kamal Haasan (Chachi 420) in the process. Agreed, he was good, but was he better than Anil Kapoor? Probably not.

Year 1999 : SRK won again for Kuch Kuch Hota Hai, a contrived and manipulative film, which was very enjoyable and a lot of fun. But his Rahul act was defintely not better than what Ajay Devgan did in Zakhm or what Aamir Khan managed in Ghulam.

Year 2001 : Hrithik bagged both, the Best Debut and Best Actor for a swashbuckling performance in Kaho Naa Pyaar Hai. He was superb and fresh, and it was ages since someone had had such a smashing debut, but was he better than Anil Kapoor in Pukar? Definitely not!

Year 2007 : Hrithik for Dhoom 2?? Really?? In a year that had Aamir Khan for RDB and  Sanjay Dutt for Lage Raho Munnabhai amongst the nominees?? Need I say anything else?

Year 2009 : Hrithik for Jodhaa Akbar. Better than Nasseeruddin Shah in A Wednesday? No way!

Year 2010 : Big B for Paa. Now I know it was an impossible role and he did a great job, but I wouldnt put him above Shahid Kapoor's brilliance in Kaminey, or even above Ranbir Kapoor's heartfelt honest performance in Wake Up Sid. I mean, Wake Up Filmfare!

Year 2011 : SRK for that hammy autistic character he botched up in My Name Is Khan?? Better than Ranbir Kapoor's silent killer performance in Raajneeti? Better than Ajay Devgan's cool as a cucumber job in Once Upon A Time In Mumbai? Better than Hrithik's sensitive, albeit slightly over-the-top portrayal in Guzaarish? And better than Salman Khan's lovable lunatic Chulbul Pandey in Dabangg?? Abso-fucking-lutely NO WAY!

The case for Best Actress is dicier since there are very few really good female roles in a year and even fewer good performances. But this year, both Vidya Balan for Ishqiya and Anushka Sharma for Band Baaja Baaraat were definitely better than Kajol. And dont even get me started on Best Director. Karan Johar for MNIK!! Above the directors of Udaan, Guzaarish, Peepli Live, Band Baaja Baaraat, even Dabangg? What the major fuck man!

I know most of these awards are decided by popular vote, but I cant help feeling the votes are rigged! Performances aside, there's no way SRK's act in MNIK was more popular than Sallu's Chulbul Pandey. And there's no way Karan Johar was a popular choice for director of the year! And finally, you know the award function is rigged when Kareena Kapoor wins for an atrocious monstrosity like We Are Family!! I rest my case[/rant]

Rab needs to retire.Now.

As i cringed helplessly in my seat for the better part of 2.45 hrs, i cudnt believe the horror unfolding in front of me on the screen...Thr i was watching possibly THE most awaited movie frm YRF since long, and thr they were-the prime architects of the mega-project - Mr. 'I-am-the-greatest-ever' SRK and Mr. 'I-have-made-the-longest-running-film-ever-and-hence-I-rock' Aditya Chopra - botching up the film unforgivably! Day before, I had seen SRK harping in an interview abt how hs beloved "Adi" hd written the entire script in 12 days....now i kno how!

Rab Ne...is possibly one of the most gimmicky, illogical, irrational, chauvinistic and boring movies ever made...The plot is plain stupid/unbelievable, and while i can make my peace with tht, having likd a no. of David Dhawan films, the screenplay is, to put it mildly, pathetic, and the dialogues make u go "WTF" every now and then, and not for a good reason...SRK hams it up uncontrollably as Raj and makes u wanna eat ur own brains, surpassing his hamster-job in OSO by miles....to giv credit whr its due, he does try honestly and sincerely to portray a common-man character, and does succeed in a few moments...however, SRK being SRK, cant really change the way he emotes, and thts wt brings both the characters down...The new girl hs a single expression for the entire movie and u just cant undstnd wt the problem is wit her character...why does she agree to the marriage in the first place, why does she begin to lik Raj, why does she begin to like Suri, why, why, why....In fact the entire movie overflows with such why's...the girl does kno how to dance tho and she hs 'maintained' herself wel...so no complaints on tht count ;) Vinay Pathak does hs job wel altho hs character is so over-the-top u cant believ y HE hd to do the role...

but lets turn our attention now to the most crucial player in this entire melange...Mr. Rab...now, Sir, if ur reading ths frm somewhr, i urge u frm the bottom of my heart to retire....pronto...its high tim u let the humans in Adi Chopra's movies fend for themselves rathr thn banao-fying thr jodis...believ me...they dont need it....and neithr do we-the poor, hapless audience...

Turning our attention to the main culprit-Mr. Moneybanks....Aditya Chopra...i kno u lik to believe tht YOU are Rab...and the truth is, u need to retire before the original Rab (the 'uparwala pappe' as u ridiculously refer to Him in the movie!)... ur clueless as a director and very clearly stuck in a time-warp, much like Mr. Subhash Ghai, who gave us the 80s drama Yuvvraaj, and Mr. Harry Baweja, who ensured hs son wont get anothr movie by tryin to break the time-space continuum...and please-oh-please, kick ur dialogue writer for all he is worth...i wanted to kill myself whenevr i heard SRK saying in tht inimitably annoying style of hs 'Hum hain rahi pyaar ke....phir milenge chalte chalte' umpteen times in the movie...and the word Rab may soon enter the hall of fame of most used words in a worthless attempt at convenience and show-off...ditto for the ppl responsibl for the background music score...it gets so repetitive tht u start to feel somthngs wrong wit the audio...the no. of times they hv used the 'Haule haule' hook and the tune of 'Tujhme rab dikhta hai'....it drives u insane and makes u want to kill every1 responsibl for ths movie wit slow poison...

Thr r a couple of intelligent moments in the movie...especially the end credits, which r novel and interesting....and mayb the bollywood flashback song, which wud hv been a rage, hd v not seen somthng similar so recently in OSO, which btw ws light yrs ahead of Rab Ne.. in terms of intelligent humor (and sadly, stil dint manage to b path-breaking cinema, courtesy, once again, ham-star SRK!)...the placement of the song however, clearly shows the IQ level of the director...the songs r pretty good but fail to salvage the sinking ship...also, a couple of scenes r heart-warming and well-written, u thnk, but thn as soon as u begin to say to urself 'hey tht wsnt so bad....it ws pretty nice actually', the scene is stretched so much, it snaps into two, leading to the ugliest piece of acting and dialogue-delivery u cn imagine...and to make up for any sanity in the movie, u hv an array of ridiculously insane scenes, including the sumo-wrestler fight, the ILU light-up scene and the bike chase, which more thn manage to make u hang urself....

Also, the story reeks of chauvinism, and i cannot relate wit SRK trying hard to make his wife fall in love wit hs othr persona, and thn get all serious-an-emotional abt whethr she loves him or the othr 'him'...WTF dude, u startd the game and watevr she feels, ur utterly responsibl for it! m not even gonna bring up the pt of how the dumb @$$ Taani (yah...thts wt her name is!) cant distinguish between Suri and Raj, jus bcz of the outer appearance, altho they both hv similar emoting prowess...the famous monkey-expression on SRK's face is a dead, dead give-away...

This is possibly one of the biggest failures of the year, in terms of converting a good concept into a good movie, according to me...tht may not be the case for many, i kno, for, SRK enjoys an unending following...but all i wud lik to say is, Mr. Khan and Mr. Chopra, the world hs moved on....For an audience habituated to sumptuous food comprising of Rock On, A Wednesday, and even your own Bachana Ae Haseeno, and some tasty tit-bits lik Oye Lucky and Dasvidaniya, Rab Ne is lik the stale Chyawanprash tht ppl stopped eating long long long ago!

P.S.: ths movie doesnt deserv such a big review and so much of my tim...but thr r bound to b accusations of being anti-SRK(not entirely true) and promoter of realistic cinema(not at al true!), hence the detailed review :)

P.S. 2: check out http://passionforcinema.com/rab-ne-bana-di-jodi-a-question-of-answers/ hilarious :)