No.One

Lets begin with saying that Ra.One is not as big a disaster as it is being made out to be - not because it is making so much money (although it's going to be tough to recover all its costs) and also not because it is a great film. Only that, in a world of Bodyguards and Readys, I am willing to give a substandard movie a chance. The VFX in places are very good, and a couple of scenes even leave an impact. What lets the movie down is ...well...everything else.

I am willing to suspend disbelief and grant cinematic liberties to the makers and ignore a lot of blunders. For instance,

1. Why would anyone make a game where the hero and villain are guaranteed to reach Level 3, no matter what, and the entire game essentially boils down to a single bullet fight, which can also end in a tie if both miss, or both take out their H.A.R.T.s or both just decide to collaborate and put the players in a quandary?
2. If not wearing your H.A.R.T. means the opposition cant defeat you, why would you carry it with you everywhere? Wouldn't treating it like a horcrux be a better way of dealing with the situation?
3. If Ra.One wants to kill Lucifer, why doesnt he do it on one of the innumerable chances he has?
4. If killing the irritating kid is Ra.One's only aim, why does he have to come up with elaborate and ultra-lame conditions for G.One like saving the local train and the people in it?
5. If the player can only play as G.One, why did they even make a Ra.One suit?
6. Why doesnt anyone miss the Chinese scientist Akashi for 2-3 days until the irritating kid goes back to the lab?
7. Why doesnt the gaming company give a tiny rat's ass about the fact that their latest game lab has been totally destroyed on the night of the game launch and their two chief game developers are dead/missing?
8. Why would you put a Tam-brahm in a coffin and then cremate him?
9. How can an android not be detected by metal detectors?
10. Why does Shekhar's Tamil accent come and go as per his whims?


I am willing to disregard all of this and more. Coz its a movie, you are not supposed to think so much. Enjoy what is being shown and have fun. Sure, I am ready to do that. Bring it on!

But...but....where is the fun? Am I supposed to find a kid saying "Condom condom" funny? Is it funny that a game launch party attended by friends and family of the team behind it, is graced by a large number of unwieldy butts? That the developer's wife decides to do away with the remnant of her dress in a party attended by her own 11-year old son so that she can titillate the crowd with her panties playing peek-a-boo? Is it funny that the kid's bday party has a highlight item number by his mom who drops her pallu, coz you know, that's what Indian moms do - they drop their pallus in a family party and dance away, baring massive cleavage? Is it funny that the security guard licks his lips seeing G.One's pierced nipple? Is it funny to grab, kick and generally salivate at the thought of a crotch? Is it funny to videostream a sex-tape of your teacher in class? The simple answer is no!

Coming back to the movie - it is fractured and poorly directed and edited. The dialogues fall flatter than Kangana's chest before she got the boob-job. Yes, I said that, and yes, it is inappropriate but then again, I did not promote my blog for 7 months as a blog for kids and I did not get a U certificate from the censors for the same. That statement is indeed offensive but I never claimed otherwise. So, at least I am not a hypocrite. The acting is horrendous - coming from talented people like SRK and Kareena. And Kareena can be forgiven, coz her role is half-baked and not terribly crucial. But SRK! Why would he make a fool of himself in a movie he has spent 175 crores on! Give me the charming Raj anyday over this pathetic Tamil stereotype character. Arjun Rampal is hardly there. Everyone else is insignificant - even the usually funny Satish Shah. The cameo by Rajnikant is just worthless - what a waste of so much star wattage! The cameos by Sanjay Dutt and PC are funny in parts but marred by horrible gfx and a jackass-like SRK in Veer's costume. The music sucks on screen - Criminal is killed by all that in-your-face booty shaking, while Chammak Challo is murdered by all the cleavage on display.

All said and done, Ra.One is a terrible disappointment - coming from SRK and given the fact he spent 175 crores on it. Its just plain bad - both as a normal movie and as a superhero movie. It has a couple of well done gfx sequences but that's not saying much given the costs. Bad direction, pathetic dialogues and ultimately a very boring movie! Please no sequel, please!

Bawdyguard :|

Mediocre with no redeeming factors. Ready and Dabangg seem like masterpieces in front of this one. And they are not. Time to reinvent self sir.

Kambakkht trash!

What do you call a person who knows how insanely idiotic a movie is gonna be and yet who turns up at the theatre the day aftr the movie releases, spending hard-earned cash and invaluable time on what he knows is gonna be guaranteed trash the day they announced the movie? Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce you to this insane jackass....yours truly!

Now moving on to the Kambakkht movie...To put it plainly, it is juvenile trash that sucks at all levels! There are a few laughs, sure, but only if you belong to the sadomasochistic variety... It will be an honour to this movie if we discuss plot and performances...So lemme move on to the only thing i liked about the movie - Sylvester Stallone! He has screen presence amounting to much more than the sum of individual screen presence of self-proclaimed King, or more appropriately Clown, Akshay Kumar, Aftab, Kareena, Amrita Arora, Jaaved Jaafrey and all other what-nots.

If self-inflicted torture is your idea of a good movie, then we have a gem here in the form of Kambakkht Ishq!

P.S. : If you know any female surgeon who moonlights as a model in her spare time, to pay for, get this, MED school (!), lemme kno...wud love to meet the chick!

Tashan mein...

I know its been 2 months sonce tht torture called Tashan was inflicted upon humanity...But i recently came across this extremely well-etched and expertly crafted review of the movie on the internet and cudnt resist putting it up...after all,m all for sarcasm and something like Tashan deserves more of it!
So lets begin the post-mortem,which i promise wil definitely be more enjoyable than watching the movie :D

P.S. The views expressed below are neither my own nor in my words but they are certainly close to what i wud hv written hd i been conscious aftr the movie...
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Even the inmates in the asylum or a tramp on the Mumbai streets would have made a better movie than this Friday’s Bollywood release Tashan. What in the heck were the bozos at Yash Raj thinking when they unleashed a trashy movie like Tashan! Utterly bereft of anything worthwhile and an ugly amalgam of bad logic, rotten story, pitiful acting, ordinary photography and ear-damaging music, Tashan is a complete horror show, the likes of which have not been seen in Bollywood in a long, long time. And the architect of this monumental disaster is Vijay Krishna Acharya, who takes credit (discredit?) for Tashan’s story, screenplay, dialogs and direction. Even after making movies for over eight decades, the cavalcade of Bollywood idiots has yet to realize that story, screenplay, dialogues and direction are separate departments requiring the full-time attention of separate people. This clown Vijay Krishna Acharya has penned a story so bizarrely bad that it’ll surely be showcased in film schools as a lesson in how not to make a movie.
The dramatis personae are the ridiculously dressed baddie Bhayyaji (Anil Kapoor), his assistant Pooja Singh (Kareena Kapoor), a call center employee Jimmy Clifff (Saif Ali Khan) and Bhayyaji’s henchman Bachchan Pande (Akshay Kumar). While none of the four cover themselves with any glory for their performance, Anil Kapoor and Kareena Kapoor are egregiously bad. With her skimpy attire and scanty acting skills, the tiny-titted Kareena Kapoor, granddaughter of the late Bollywood director Raj Kapoor, is sheer agony to behold. One interesting trend in Bollywood movies is that the role of the ubiquitous vamp of yesteryear films has now been taken over by the heroine. Following close behind in tormenting the audience in Tashan is that overacting buffoon Anil Kapoor, a veteran of a gazillion Bollywood movies. Just goes to prove that wisdom or talent does not always improve with age. No, Akshay Kumar and Saif Ali Khan are not palliatives either. Hey, there are just no palliatives or redeeming elements in this piece of trash.
The story, if you can call it that, is laughably bad. A murderous thug Bhayyaji (Anil Kapoor) wants to learn English quickly so that he can impress a visiting foreign delegation. His assistant Pooja (Kareena Kapoor) hires a call center employee and part-time English teacher Jeetender Kumar Makhwana a.k.a. Jimmy Cliff to teach her evil boss English. Soon, Jimmy is head over heels in love with Pooja, who seems to reciprocate but actually has other plans up her sleeve. Pooja and Rs 25 crore belonging to Bhayyaji vanish one day. After giving Jimmy a few whacks, he sends a small-town thug called Bachchan Pande and Jimmy to locate the girl and the money.
The main culprit with Tashan is with its asinine script and hackneyed story that crumbles into dust just minutes after the start. Add bad music and mediocre acting to this stinking concoction and you have the recipe for a stinging migraine at the end.
Although the movie was filmed in “God’s Own Country” Kerala, Hardwar, Ladakh, Rajasthan and Greece(?), the photography in Tashan is worse than banal. Talk of throwing pearls before a swine. The fight scene where a big team of heavily armed commandos attack the ill-equipped group of Bhayyaji, Bachchan Pande, Jimmy and Pooja but yet suffer a crushing defeat sets a new low mark in the annals of crude Bollywood fights. It seems Peter Hein bears responsibility for this most crudely executed action scene. Tiresome dances involving foreign women (mostly White but occasionally Black as well) in skimpy attire is becoming de rigeur - and most irritating - in Hindi movies.
Once a powerful force in Bollywood, Yash Raj Films is now a spent force, lurching from one disaster to another. Take a dekko at some of the miserable offerings they’ve churned out lately Aaja Nachle, Laaga Chunari Mein Daag, Jhoom Barabar Jhoom and Ta Ra Rum Pum. Makes you want to puke. Perhaps, it’s time for the grand old man of Indian cinema Yash Chopra (the force behind Yash Raj Films) to quit Bollywood and settle into a profession where he can inflict his misery on a retail level rather than on a wholesale scale - say as a roadside Jalebi seller or village Barber. After all, Saif Ali Khan is served Jalebis in Bhayyaji’s lair early in this movie.
Watch this garbage of a movie called Tashan at the peril of losing your sanity.
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Now wasnt tht an amazing way of presenting exactly what u and i had in mind aftr being tortured for 2.25 hrs in the theatres, receiving the kind of treatment you wudnt even subject an enemy to?!! Hats off to the reviewer....The article was certainly more entertaining than the movie :D