Dump Maaro Dump

Watching Dum Maaro Dum is actually like taking a dump, coz you know "Oonche se ooncha banda, potty pe baithe nanga"(@0:39). Wow! Did I repel you with that first line? Then imagine how the viewers must have felt when this line was repeated 4 times in a hideous non-item song, 1.5 hours into a movie that started with so much promise and by then, had clearly lost its way. But I am getting ahead of myself here, for such movies should be reviewed with relish. So, lets start from the beginning!

DMD starts off as a cool,stylish feature with lots of promise. The first hour, although a little too episodic, is well-paced and manages to hold your interest. And Abhishek's entry heightens the expectations with the proverbial twist in the plot that makes you go "Alright! Now on to the real story!" And that is the last time you can say the words story and DMD in the same line. For the director chooses to show Abhishek, an ACP, rapping on the streets of Goa, while he cleans up the place. And not just rapping mind you, lip-syncing to the rap. Lame would be an understatement. Nevertheless, the movie doesnt nosedive right away, it continues to hold promise, but another 20 minutes later, it is clear that this is going to be a long ride with an utterly unsatisfactory end, coz there is no way they can tie up those loose threads with any credibility whatsoever, especially with the set of writers they have got. What follows is utter boredom, reel after reel showcasing basically nothing. No doubt it takes a lot of talent to show nothing with so much at your disposal, and that is in fact an art, its just not what I paid 12 bucks for! The Dump song is the nadir and the movie can only rise afterwards, which it does. Only it takes awfully long to do that, and by then, you are desperate to get out of the theatre, coz there's only so much of "Baki sabke liye Google hai" (@2:25) that you can take sanely.

Of the cast, Prateik Babbar is a sheer embarrassment, with his whiney, juvenile portrayal of a, well, juvenile! Bipasha Basu is non-existant. (Note to producers : A bikini scene would have enhanced her presence in the movie considerably! Since you anyways decided to give her a weak role, a few more bucks spent on a fancy bikini doesnt seem like such a bad idea now does it?) Rana Who-ggabati is wooden and his dubbing artist is a douchebag. Aditya Pancholi takes hamming and growling to new pathetic levels. Govind Namdeo doesnt. And yes, he hams too! Deepika Padukone's rib-cage is a total turn-off. And my dear AB baby is surprisingly better than most of his other roles. But that's not saying much for someone who has "Dus Ass Wale" Raavan and "Tha Tha Tha" ACP Jay Dixit to his credit. And what's with the incessant referencing to daddy dearest's movies?? Get a life son, and get your own identity. I know a lost cause when I see one and yet I am saying this out of sheer respect for your dad, or what he once was. STAND.UP.ON.YOUR.OWN.FEET.

Technically, the film is superior but when the script is boring, there's little technique can do. Nevertheless, kudos to the team for getting something right. Ultimately, DMD is not even like taking a dump, coz that activity is actually satisfying. Its more like suffering from a severe constipation after eating something that tasted good but left a bad after-taste.

Dus Ass Wale...

Raavan, without any doubt, is the WORST MOVIE I have seen in the last 10 years, probably even the worst I have ever seen ...I dont remember being as utterly perplexed and mindfucked while and after watching a movie since I saw Refugee and LOC, but even those had some redeeming moments...and some of the recent crap like Kidnap and Karzzzzz was of the so-bad-its-good variety....

Raavan is the lowest of low points in Mani Ratnam's career and Abhishek Bachchan's non-career...For some reason, Ash's (non-existent) cleavage hogs more limelight than any shred or iota of acting skill she allegedly has...I have seen some seriously BAD movies, and i mean real bad bad movies like Jai-Veeru and Team-The Force, and even they seem like Picasso in front of this Dus Ass Wala Raavan...Mindfuck! डोक्याला शॉट! डायरेक्टरच्या आईचा घो !

Where exactly is the devil?

Okay, so I have kept my views to myself for 3 weeks now, in the (unlikely) hope (yeah right!) that they will change, because, you know, Rahman's music is different, it grows on you with time...While I dont disagree with that, (I have had my share of music-grows-on-you factor with Jaane Tu..., Yuvvraaj and Blue), I hate to admit that this time ARR gets it wrong...That's okay...We all are mortals, and its too much to ask from a person, even if a genius, to deliver just awesomeness everytime...We have seen Sachin fail at times, we have seen Aamir Khan deliver turkeys, and we have seen Michael Schumacher end 10th behind less-gifted drivers...So, ARR delivering an uninspiring album should be no big deal...What stings me however, is the unequivocal raving that has accompanied the release of the soundtracks of Raavan...Its a case of worshipping someone just because we put him up on a pedestal so high up that now calling a spade a spade will mean demeaning the someone to such an extent that is unbecoming of his genius...Now THIS is what i call blasphemy!

Raavan may not be his weakest work till date, but it is definitely ARR's least deserving works in recent times...Least deserving of the accolades, the hype and the hoopla! Lets get this straight, ARR misfires more often than we like to believe, but when he scores, he scores Bull's eye and more, which indeed makes us forget the misfires - indeed the true mark of a genius. But that shudnt make us shy away from calling crap crap! When you have deplorably hideous songs like Kata Kata and the highly pretentious Ranjha Ranjha, there is no way you can convince me with tales of how he has broken away from the convention by delivering a beat on the 13th count instead of the expected 12th and thus, created a masterpiece...The song sounds not-good and that's the result on which the verdict should be based! I mean sample this analysis of Kata Kata:

"There is a madness, wildness and subtle darkness to this playful pre-wedding composition. The bugles at the beginning awaken everyone to an emergency, a crisis, something going amiss followed by drums. What turmoil has arrived, you ask?"

Seriously WTF! The songs sucks...plain sucks! why is there a problem saying tht loud and clear? Pretentious douchebags need to stop writing reviews! Rahman has given us much much better and calling this track a masterpiece and a master stroke is like Filmfare awarding Aamir Best Actor for "Raja Hindustani"! Its seriously WTF...

Coming back to the album, Beera is energetic and has so much energy that it carries you with it for the 4 minutes the song lasts and beyond. So much so that you are willing to forgive the random signature Rahman tribal words "Mehegumenjaaaaaaaaaaaaloooooooooooooo" (I have never understood Rahman's fascination for random, meaningless words in songs; it was "Bala bala, aa ora, o meego, tu bala pada hoysa....taboo, bala bala" in Jai Ho; "Hosa, keecha keecha" in Shano Shano; "Thoda thoda Zimbabwe"in Latoo and numerous more...I mean seriously why spoil a song just by randomness!! I can understand the French rap in Delhi6 but these "tribal" sounds r laughable, not to mention irritating, and just bcoz its ARR, ppl wont say a word...let Himesh or Pritam put somthng like tht in a song and u'll hear no end of it!)...Nevertheless, the song is really good and is the best of the lot because it is energetic and you cant get it out of your head! Behne De is another inspiring track and while it bears some resemblance to Satrangi, the credit goes to ARR for creating such a racy track! Khili Re is the last shred of sense in the album and while its cloyingly sweet and similar to most of the Jodhaa Akbar music, it is well sung and melody keeps it afloat.

Now to the major f*ck-ups! Thok De Killi is fast-food and it has zero impact. People comparing it with Yuva can go get their braincells checked. It is uninspiring and strictly below average. And btw, the lyrics are BAD! Kata Kata is deplorable to say the least, and comparisons with Rukmini are absolutely uncalled for! It is hideously penned and sung and I dont care how awesome the music arrangements are when that happens! Ranjha Ranjha is the most utterly over-rated track of the year - its the Singh is Kinng of music! People raving about its wonderful lyrics need to tell me if they even understand what is being said! Nothing exceptional about the song, nothing even bloody okay about it! The much-awaited Jaa Re Udd Jaa Re sung by the man himself, is not bad but is not worthy of the sky-high praise it has received! Again, its idol worship more than rationale which has prompted people to say tht!

I am aware I may have gone majorly overboard in criticizing Raavan here, but frankly it kills me to see people praising something just bcz it is supposed to be praised. We should stop being afraid of admitting we cant understand "genius" when we dont! Everyone makes mistakes and its stupid to cover up one mistake with another.

This is unconventional music which fails to touch or move...Lets be honest and gutsy enough to call it tht!

Finally out of the closet!

The coming-of-age story of Bollywood continues with Dostana...not too willing to dwell on the moral/social aspect of it, let me get straight to the point behind writing ths post...

Dostana is a hilarious mad-caper with plenty of intelligent and subtle moments of humor...(and also its share of puerile banality and needless showcasing of John's anatomy(sorry girls!), which i am just gonna ignore bcoz i want 2 :D)...the story plot is interesting, the screenplay is "convenient", the jokes simply rock, the performances r decent (the dialogues r by-and-large indecent tho ;) ), the drama sucks big-time, the climax is loooooooong-drawn and bobby deol needs to retire...but inspite of all this, i enjoyed the movie a lot, simply bcoz everytim ur abt to cringe, a dollop of clever humor puts a smile on ur face and in a matter of minutes, u forget wat u hated jus some tim ago...brownie pts to the debutant director for tht!

Dostana brings the fun back in movies aftr quite some time...tht its not a masterpiece is a given! but for some not-entirely-mindless entertainment (not to mention, some great eye-candy ;) ), ths is the movie to go for!

P.S. : Strictly not recommended for uptight,sophisticated prudes who turn thr noses away at the mention of the word 'gay'! If u fall in ths category, i hope u hvnt even read till here! U wud do better to find a copy of Champak rathr thn suffer thru ths movie!

Drona who?

By now all of you must hv seen the strikingly 'original', 'Mummy-esque' promos of tht horribly miscast, botch-up-of-a-movie 'Drona', which hs AB's baby playing an (utterly overweight) superhero in a ridiculously golden fantasy world...I happened to chance upon an interview of the director of the movie, who's fatso's childhood frnd and apparently thts his only claim to fame, othr than his trophy wife, the ravishing Sonali Bendre! (oh yes...he made tht long-forgotten flick 'Bas Itna Sa Khwab Hain' 5-6 yrs back, but i wudnt call tht a claim to 'fame'!)...The interview is a study in how some people love to dig their own grave...much in advance...its as if they are relishing thr own impending death... :)

Here's the article along with some 'vishesh tippani' :D

Bollywood Hungama reports:

Bollywood director Goldie Behl said his decision to make a sequel of his forthcoming film Drona will not depend on its box office performance. Behl, who had announced a sequel of his movie Drona even before its release, said "I will be making a sequel of it anyway. I hope that the film is well received, but even if it is not, I will go with its sequel".

BRAVO! You sure have guts!

"When I wrote this film, I had written so much that it cannot be incorporated in a single film. The end of the film leaves a question mark. So there is already a story before and after the film. It has a prequel and sequel written in the story form. I am sure people would like to know what happened before and after this," Behl said.

Really?! How can you be so sure of wat the ppl like and wat they dont? And if u hv perfected tht particular art, why dint u use it to design better promos thn the tacky ones currently on air?

The director said it now depends on Eros, Rose movies and Abhishek Bachchan to come up together as he is ready to start the sequel immediately after its release. Behl said Abhishek would be part of the sequel but as far as other actors are concerned he has not decided yet.
What about casting Aishwarya Rai? "Aishwarya is my 'bhabhi' and if she likes the subject and role, it would be privilege and honour for me to work with her."

Stop licking AB's feet, you jackass!And cut the 'bhabhi' crap....

Goldie Behl, who is the son of veteran director producer late Ramesh Behl, debuted as a director with Bas Itna Sa Khwab Hai which starred Abhishek Bachchan along with Rani Mukherjee and Sushmita Sen. Behls and Bachchans are family friends as Ramesh Behl had produced and directed various films with Big B which included hits like Kasme Vaade and Pukar.

Pukar??A hit?? It had the ignominy of being cald Tukaar rathr thn by its real name in the era bygone...

"Abhishek is my younger brother and I want him in every film unless he has no problem with it." So is there any chance for other actors in Goldie's film? "It will all depend on the script. I go with the casting according to the script and if there is any chance for any other actor I along with Abhishek will decide on whom to cast in the film."

Just observe how he contradicts himself!Abhi wil b in all his films....and yet the casting depends on the script whn it comes to othr actors!!! Or does this Goldie guy thnk AB can suit any role?! jus lik his over-exposed dadda! :P

About his future plans, Behl said after Drona his production company Rose Movies are planning for three movies, one of which will be directed by him.
"Film production has been our family business and we are now trying to come up with it in a big way," Behl added.
There have been speculations in the media that Drona which was supposed to be released sometimes in August was postponed to give Yashraj's Bachna Ae Haseeno a fair run in theatres. What does Goldie have to say on it?
"There is no truth in it at all. The release date was postponed as I needed more time to work on my special effects which is an integral part of it."
He said half of his film's look has been created in computer graphics.
"This is a super natural film where many things are fictional which need to be created in a computer and which takes a lot of time. So the time taken for it will be worth watching, that I can assure."

Beat this! The fictional 'things' need to be 'created' "IN" a computer!!! Which colg did u go to dude?

About the story of the film, he said though it is a supernatural story everyone will be able to relate to it. It is a film which children as well as grown ups can enjoy.

Now hows tht for originality!Never heard any director say tht abt his upcoming movie!

"It's an adventure fantasy which belongs to the category of Harry Potter or Indiana Jones. It is inspired by comic books, graphic novels and Indian mythology and it is truly Indian in approach."

Dude wait for the film to find its own destiny...M darn sure you will hv ur foot in ur mouth in 2 weeks frm now...And plz oh plz...Potter and Indiana Jones r legend franchises...ur moronic attempt at an Indianized version of Mummy-meets-paunch may not even come close to Hollywood crap like 'Journey to the centre of the earth' or even 'Mummy III'

It is the story of Aditya, a descendent of a royal family, played by Abhishek who realises the purpose of his existence and how he lives up to it.

Has Abhishek realised the purpose of HIS existence yet??

Aditya, who is also called Drona, fights with a powerful evil magician Ritz played by Kay Kay Menon in order to save the world from his evil intentions.

Ritz??Isnt tht the name of a French hotel?And dint this Goldie dude just say its an Indianized version?! He must b getting all old and senile...He wud rathr change his name to Oldie...

And hv u seen the TinTin-hairdo tht Kay Kay Menon sports as Ritz-the evil magician!Was tht a result of one of his evil magic tricks?! And why do all superheroes always hv to save the whole wide world??

The producers have spent a huge amount of money -- Rs.220 million -- for the look of Ritz, his den and troops and the special effects.
"We wanted to show Ritz as extremely powerful so we have created the atmosphere which builds up an extra-powerful image of the villain."
"The more powerful the villain, greater the conflict and more the excitement," quipped the director.

Oh crap! 220 million for tht fit-for-an-asylum-inmate hairdo and those tacky sandstorms???

However, Behl said the USP of his film is Jaya Bachchan. He said: "Jaya aunty is playing the reel life mother of Abhishek for the first time which is the USP of my film."
"She has a very important role in the movie which needs to be watched out for," Behl added.

You can guess how good a film is gonna b whn its USP is a real life mom-son pair debuting as an on-screen mom-son pair! This despite the Gold-jerk harping endlessly abt how the special effects cost so much of thr money and time!

The film, slated to hit the theatres Oct 2, also stars Priyanka Chopra as Abhishek's body guard.

The telling blow is dealt with a finality in ths last stmt which showcases tht the cry-bABy still needs someone to guard him...even aftr getting an ice-cold wifey! :P

Afterthought: Is Drona wearing a golden costume bcoz the name of the movie's director is Goldie? :P