Rab needs to retire.Now.

As i cringed helplessly in my seat for the better part of 2.45 hrs, i cudnt believe the horror unfolding in front of me on the screen...Thr i was watching possibly THE most awaited movie frm YRF since long, and thr they were-the prime architects of the mega-project - Mr. 'I-am-the-greatest-ever' SRK and Mr. 'I-have-made-the-longest-running-film-ever-and-hence-I-rock' Aditya Chopra - botching up the film unforgivably! Day before, I had seen SRK harping in an interview abt how hs beloved "Adi" hd written the entire script in 12 days....now i kno how!

Rab Ne...is possibly one of the most gimmicky, illogical, irrational, chauvinistic and boring movies ever made...The plot is plain stupid/unbelievable, and while i can make my peace with tht, having likd a no. of David Dhawan films, the screenplay is, to put it mildly, pathetic, and the dialogues make u go "WTF" every now and then, and not for a good reason...SRK hams it up uncontrollably as Raj and makes u wanna eat ur own brains, surpassing his hamster-job in OSO by miles....to giv credit whr its due, he does try honestly and sincerely to portray a common-man character, and does succeed in a few moments...however, SRK being SRK, cant really change the way he emotes, and thts wt brings both the characters down...The new girl hs a single expression for the entire movie and u just cant undstnd wt the problem is wit her character...why does she agree to the marriage in the first place, why does she begin to lik Raj, why does she begin to like Suri, why, why, why....In fact the entire movie overflows with such why's...the girl does kno how to dance tho and she hs 'maintained' herself wel...so no complaints on tht count ;) Vinay Pathak does hs job wel altho hs character is so over-the-top u cant believ y HE hd to do the role...

but lets turn our attention now to the most crucial player in this entire melange...Mr. Rab...now, Sir, if ur reading ths frm somewhr, i urge u frm the bottom of my heart to retire....pronto...its high tim u let the humans in Adi Chopra's movies fend for themselves rathr thn banao-fying thr jodis...believ me...they dont need it....and neithr do we-the poor, hapless audience...

Turning our attention to the main culprit-Mr. Moneybanks....Aditya Chopra...i kno u lik to believe tht YOU are Rab...and the truth is, u need to retire before the original Rab (the 'uparwala pappe' as u ridiculously refer to Him in the movie!)... ur clueless as a director and very clearly stuck in a time-warp, much like Mr. Subhash Ghai, who gave us the 80s drama Yuvvraaj, and Mr. Harry Baweja, who ensured hs son wont get anothr movie by tryin to break the time-space continuum...and please-oh-please, kick ur dialogue writer for all he is worth...i wanted to kill myself whenevr i heard SRK saying in tht inimitably annoying style of hs 'Hum hain rahi pyaar ke....phir milenge chalte chalte' umpteen times in the movie...and the word Rab may soon enter the hall of fame of most used words in a worthless attempt at convenience and show-off...ditto for the ppl responsibl for the background music score...it gets so repetitive tht u start to feel somthngs wrong wit the audio...the no. of times they hv used the 'Haule haule' hook and the tune of 'Tujhme rab dikhta hai'....it drives u insane and makes u want to kill every1 responsibl for ths movie wit slow poison...

Thr r a couple of intelligent moments in the movie...especially the end credits, which r novel and interesting....and mayb the bollywood flashback song, which wud hv been a rage, hd v not seen somthng similar so recently in OSO, which btw ws light yrs ahead of Rab Ne.. in terms of intelligent humor (and sadly, stil dint manage to b path-breaking cinema, courtesy, once again, ham-star SRK!)...the placement of the song however, clearly shows the IQ level of the director...the songs r pretty good but fail to salvage the sinking ship...also, a couple of scenes r heart-warming and well-written, u thnk, but thn as soon as u begin to say to urself 'hey tht wsnt so bad....it ws pretty nice actually', the scene is stretched so much, it snaps into two, leading to the ugliest piece of acting and dialogue-delivery u cn imagine...and to make up for any sanity in the movie, u hv an array of ridiculously insane scenes, including the sumo-wrestler fight, the ILU light-up scene and the bike chase, which more thn manage to make u hang urself....

Also, the story reeks of chauvinism, and i cannot relate wit SRK trying hard to make his wife fall in love wit hs othr persona, and thn get all serious-an-emotional abt whethr she loves him or the othr 'him'...WTF dude, u startd the game and watevr she feels, ur utterly responsibl for it! m not even gonna bring up the pt of how the dumb @$$ Taani (yah...thts wt her name is!) cant distinguish between Suri and Raj, jus bcz of the outer appearance, altho they both hv similar emoting prowess...the famous monkey-expression on SRK's face is a dead, dead give-away...

This is possibly one of the biggest failures of the year, in terms of converting a good concept into a good movie, according to me...tht may not be the case for many, i kno, for, SRK enjoys an unending following...but all i wud lik to say is, Mr. Khan and Mr. Chopra, the world hs moved on....For an audience habituated to sumptuous food comprising of Rock On, A Wednesday, and even your own Bachana Ae Haseeno, and some tasty tit-bits lik Oye Lucky and Dasvidaniya, Rab Ne is lik the stale Chyawanprash tht ppl stopped eating long long long ago!

P.S.: ths movie doesnt deserv such a big review and so much of my tim...but thr r bound to b accusations of being anti-SRK(not entirely true) and promoter of realistic cinema(not at al true!), hence the detailed review :)

P.S. 2: check out http://passionforcinema.com/rab-ne-bana-di-jodi-a-question-of-answers/ hilarious :)